Two weeks ago, a dear friend and Godly woman said something to me that I will never forget. "Before it is taken," she said, "let it be surrendered." In the middle of my life in that moment, it was exactly what God needed to say to me. But I'm getting ahead of the story.
According to my last update, I should be in Wichita, Kansas right now, working and making plans to start classes in the fall. God had a different idea.
During Christmas break, NTBI offered me an semester internship here at the school in Waukesha. I was incredibly excited--I couldn't have dreamed up a better opportunity if I'd tried! After praying about it, talking with my parents, and talking with leadership at my sending church, I accepted the internship and made plans to stay in snowy Wisconsin for five more months. I couldn't believe God's amazing provision, and I praised Him for showing up at exactly the right moment! Other interns had known for months that they would be staying, yet it was not until I had completely accepted my decision to go home (I didn't want to) and handed my future over to God that He stepped in and changed my plans.
I was so excited! I had felt like God wasn't done with me here in Wisconsin, but now I knew why! I looked forward to another semester of working with NTM, as well as staying connected with friends I've made here at Bible School. The icing on the cake, of course, was getting to spend time with my boyfriend, Jason, during his last semester here. Still, I knew that my highest goal must ALWAYS be Christ, and growing closer to Him, and I made that my deepest motivation for accepting the internship. I wanted God to refine me, to form me ever more into the image of Christ, and I prayed that earnestly for the coming semester. I felt like I was stepping forward with my eyes closed, but I wasn't afraid. I knew I had NO clue what 2010 would hold for me, but I also knew without a doubt that I could trust whatever the future held to the One Who held the future--and Who held me.
I was right. I could never have guessed what would happen. Warm, sunny days are great, but only fire refines. James didn't say peace, prosperity, and happiness produce endurance and maturity--his words, I believe, were more along the lines of 'various trials' and 'the testing of your faith'. Oh, boy.
The last week of Christmas break, my laptop was stolen. The laptop itself was on its last leg, and my new laptop charger (also stolen) was probably worth more than the laptop itself, but it wasmine. I'm not frightfully independent, but I definitely liked having my OWN computer. It meant I didn't have to borrow anyone else's, or go to the Library. I could use it whenever I wanted, and I didn't have to depend on anyone else. I also write, and ALL my work--poems, stories, school assignments--was on my laptop. I hadn't backed up my computer anywhere, so it was all gone. I felt like part of me had been taken, my heart that I'd poured out into words. That was something I couldn't just buy. Still, I thanked God. He gives, and He takes away--the laptop and (yes) even my words were not my own, for I am His. And, I reasoned, there are worse things to lose. As a friend pointed out, I should be glad my laptop was a cheap HP, and not a Mac! ;)
So my life went on, and after about a week, I was fine. My friends returned from break, I began my internship hours, and just generally enjoyed life. I loved being here at the school, working in the youth group at my church, and especially building my relationship with Jason. I learned to enjoy time we did spend together without mourning the time we didn't. We talked about taking a missions trip together this summer, and I woke up in the mornings with a smile on my face. Well, maybe just without a frown--I'm not a morning person. (:
But things got hard. I began to notice that my relationship with Jason was changing, and I didn't know what to think of it. I started spending a lot more time with God, reading His word and just talking with Him. I prayed that He would do whatever it took to draw me closer to Himself. I didn't know what was going to happen, but I knew that--no matter what--I needed God. Then, on the afternoon of February 4, Jason told me that he didn't see anything in the future for us, and so there was no reason to continue our relationship.
I cried. A lot.
The past two weeks have been...long. At times, I feel fine and have no trouble seeing all the ways God is at work in my life. Other times, I feel like my heart should be in an ICU. Sometimes I feel angry, sometimes just hurt, and sad. Sometimes I feel everything all at once in the space of about two seconds. But I am learning that the tossing sea of feelings, while completely real, is not the sum total of my life. The surface may look chaotic, but my soul has a rock, a firm foundation.
Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which is from God by faith; that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death, if, by any means, I may attain to the resurrection from the dead. (phil. 3:8-11, nkjv)
I read this passage in Philippians two days after Jason broke up with me, and I felt like I was reading it for the first time. Paul counts 'all things loss'. He can do that for one reason, and one reason only--"the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord." In the next three verses, he drives the point home that Christ is the source, the goal, and the sum of everything we strive for. The things I cling to most tightly--yes, even the GOOD things--are not the point. Christ is the point. Good things may come into my life, they may even come from God! But when God takes them away, I need to stick them in a trash bag and let them go. I can cry, I can yell, I can tell God I am not so sure how much I like His plan, but I need to count on what HE says is true. Isn't that what faith is, after all? Taking God at HIS word, not mine?
Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. (phil. 3:12, nkjv)
Some days, it feels like I am losing my grip on that perspective, that purpose. I feel the crushing weight of life begin to loosen my hold on God's unchanging truth. My heart fails. My mind fails. My strength fails. But my God, my dear, precious Saviour, my Lord, my Protector, my Fortress, my Father, my Friend, my Jesus--He never fails. even in the moments I am trying so desperately to lay hold of Him, He has already laid hold of me, and what can take me out of His hand? (Check out the end of Romans 8 for the answer. :)
I was right. I had no idea what this semester held for me--and it's not even half over! I was also right about God. He knew every second of my life before He spoke the first word of creation. He was not unprepared for what I now need, and no circumstance of my life will ever catch Him off guard. Even though I lose sight of Him, my goal, He never loses hold of me. How amazing is my Lord! I look ahead at my life, knowing even greater pain than this will come, and yet I can smile. I know that in every moment He can teach me how desperately I need Him, and how to lean on Him and no one else.
I plan to finish out my semester internship here at NTBI, working in the education office, at the front desk, in the mail room, and on various projects as needed. I work 20 hours a week here at the school, as well as 16-24 hours a week at the Clarke Hotel (where I've been working for the past year). I have also been sitting in on classes when I can--even though I've already taken them, I enjoy going back over what I've learned.
I'm actually enrolled in one class right now, a financial management class. I'm excited to develop a plan to manage my personal finances now, before I am completely independent. (in other words, while it's still easy! :)
In April, I'll be going with a group of about 60 students and staff to Wayumi, a week-long missions training program run by NTM in Pennsylvania. I'll be going as staff, but I will still be able to attend most of the classes and training.
Graduation is May 15th here in Waukesha, and I will be moving my life back to Kansas shortly after that. This summer, I am making plans to rent a house or apartment near Wichita with some friends. I don't have a car, but I will most likely need one by the end of the summer, so I will be working (and praying!) toward that.
Also, I plan to start undergraduate studies in Wichita this fall, the end goal being a Master's Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy (probably at Friends University in Wichita).
After getting my degree, I want to complete the last two years of training with New Tribes Mission and continue with NTM in full-time ministry. Of course, God has a pretty big say in the plan for my life, and I'm excited to see what HIS picture for my future looks like! :)
Keep praying that God draws me closer to himself, and that I will lean on Him more every day. Here are some other specific things to pray about:
~Pray for Fall enrollment at both NTBI campuses--Jackson, MI and Waukesha, WI. Both seem to be on track, but are running a little lower than we'd like.
~Pray for the health of the students and staff. It's easy for sickness to travel quickly around our small campus.
~Pray that God will continue to teach me more about Himself, and that I will keep seeking Him.
In Christ,
Deborah Burnham
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